i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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