So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
