Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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