she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
