I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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