I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
