Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
