Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
