1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I must be too annoying 4 u.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
