my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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