I haven't been this sober since birth.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
