i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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