Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
