I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
