I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
