omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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