I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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