It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
