the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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