she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
