We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
