Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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