I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
