I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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