Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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