Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
