You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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