its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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