So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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