Umm I'm too high to move.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
