She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
