Someone shit on the floor
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
