And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
