Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
