why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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