i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
