I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
