I wish I only lived at night.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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