My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
