you guys were way drunker than both of me
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
