I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
