Buhtt sex?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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