what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
