Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
