WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
