Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
im on a boat
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