u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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