If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
