my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
