think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
