The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
