I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
