I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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