I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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